Let’s just say it. Today has not been a good day.
I can’t straighten my legs due to the intense pain in my calves from the 4 minutes of hell I put them through yesterday as part of my new ‘let’s get fit and toned and lose weight’ thing. I have a stitch from coughing so much. My medication that I’ve only just started taking is locked in the car and I won’t be able to access it until boyf gets home, which won’t be until later tonight because he has a work dinner. Whilst exercising today I managed to hurt my neck, so now it twinges when I move. I managed to finish the words I needed for my politics report before the lunchtime anxiety/melancholy/shitness I’ve been getting since starting my medication kicked in. Since then, I’ve basically just been watching YouTube videos and staring at the word document on my computer screen wondering why this chapter is being so difficult. I also just ordered a large amount of potato based Indian food, and might even order dessert and a thickshake later (take that 5,200kJ a day!).
I decided to write this blog post because I’ve run out of YouTube videos I want to watch, and I feel as though I should at least be a little bit productive before I curl up on boyf’s parent’s couch (we’re house sitting) with my ridiculous amount of Indian food and thickshakes to watch a bunch of wedding dress shows on Lifestyle You (don’t judge me, they’re fantastic).
Even though I know that I’m just feeling down because my body is still adjusting to the new medication, it still kinda sucks. Especially when I’ve been so productive up until this point. It’s seriously just been so noticeable. I started taking it on Wednesday morning, and since then every lunchtime for a couple of hours I’ve gotten really panicky and then I’ve just felt really down for the rest of the day. I started chapter 4 on Wednesday, finished in yesterday and wrote the first 1,000 words of chapter 5, so it’s not even like I’m particularly off track. I just feel…down. Down is the best way to describe it.
I know I promised I’d write a book review or a plot summary of Rebellion or something like that, but honestly I’m just not feeling it.
I’m feeling like depression and anxiety suck, body issues suck, and not wanting to get out of bed sucks.
I’m not entirely sure why I’m telling this to the internet, other than my psychologist says I’m supposed to acknowledge my feelings and that sharing them will bring me closer to the people I care about. I’m still a bit iffy on that one, but I guess my internet friends is a good start, right?
Also, today (October 10th) is World Mental Health Day, which is something I feel pretty passionate about.
Never fear, productive, positive, optimistic Rachel is still here! Sometimes she just needs a little rest (and some Indian potato goodness).
I’m off to try and finish the chapter, perhaps with a mug of peppermint tea, and I will see you all on Sunday.