Ok, so it’s still Saturday here, but it’s Sunday morning (very early Sunday morning) in Australia, which is where my damn laptop still thinks it is. And Sunday is ROW80 check in day. But you know what? I have not achieved a single goal. Not one. I’ve thought about writing. I spent the entire 3 hour train trip today with my laptop open in Scrivener wasting time. I bought a sketchbook and pencils to start
attempting to draw sketches of the various clans in my mind for my novel. But I have done nothing. And even though last week you all told me not to worry about goals whilst I’m away, I still feel like a failure. A big stupid unsuccessful failure who will probably never achieve anything. Yeah…you can probably tell by this blog post that I’m thinking of getting two desserts with room service tonight…
The thing is, I’ve wanted to be a writer all my life. In grade 6, literally within a day, my writing changed completely from childish to more mature (I’m not even talking myself up, I got a LOT of compliments about the level of my writing from teachers/uni students testing out being teachers). I sat down one night in 2007, and six months later had a novel. I’ve always been very imaginative, and spent a lot of time playing alone or with my little brothers in imaginary worlds or as part of my favourite childhood stories (Famous Five). My mind always wanders beyond what is there to a different world, a world of the past or a world I’ve created all on my own. It’s why I love history, and why I love fantasy, and why I love fantasy that has a real feel of history about it, that is, a world that has a backstory (GoT, LOTR, the Inkheart Trilogy). So, yeah. I want to be a writer. I want to be allowed to explore my imagination and even share it with people who might care. But sometimes, when I look at other people’s success, a little part of me (the part boyf and I usually refer to as the stupid irrational evil part) reminds me that I’m not successful. That I’m still editing that novel I wrote in 2007. That my blog isn’t super popular. That in reality I’m just a nobody, a nineteen year old from Australia who’s pretending to be a writer. And this all makes me very sad. It makes me feel like my dreams may never become reality. That perhaps I’ll live my entire life wishing I’d done something more.
These past few months (if you’ve been following my blog you’d have noticed) I’ve been a bit miserable. I struggled with university, something I used to really enjoy. I struggled with trying to make my family accept the decisions I want to make. I struggled. There were weeks when I literally did nothing except watch YouTube videos and eat dinner and watch tv shows with boyf. I don’t feel that miserable now, but I still feel a bit ergh.
Well, that was a bit of a downer. And probably not particularly coherent. But that’s how I feel.
Tomorrow I head from London to Cambridge to start my two week history summer school. Am I excited? I suppose. Do I wish I could just keep traveling, or even better, see boyf again instead of having to wait two more weeks? Yes. Has this adventure been life changing? Probably. It’s taught me a lot about myself (I can deal with being lost in the middle of London, but I can’t deal with missing my train). It’s clarified some things in my mind (I want to come on exchange to Edinburgh. I ideally want to live in the UK one day. I want to explore this amazing place more with my boyf, I really do love him more than I can explain). It’s an experience I wouldn’t change for anything, as I’m sure this next two weeks will be. Perhaps it’s just because I’m feeling like a failure that all this seems a bit meh.
Mmm, on that miserable note…see you on Wednesday for WIPpet Wednesday. Feel free to leave a comment if you want, and I’ll try and visit as many of you as I can. Sorry this has been a rambling mess of self pity. Sometimes these things just happen.
I’m supposed to do goals for next week now right? Ergh.
1. Sort out the damn Taura chapter that has been causing me issues.
2. Focus on enjoying Cambridge Summer School
3. Start work on Cambridge essay
4. Visit lots of other ROW80 and WIPpet Wednesday blogs.